So, then, the question is WHY? Why do I do this? Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it. Or that I don't deserve better. Or that it doesn't really matter. Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay. Or .... whatever that "reason" may be. Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger. When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship. Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships. Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship. Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me. Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control. Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life. Or when it crashed down around me - again! Doesn't it mean I must deserve it? That it's all my fault? That I don't deserve anything different, anything better?? Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?!
This is what is meant to happen .... yes? This is my destiny .... yes? This is what will always happen - yes?? NO! It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again! IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
C-H-A-N-G-E ??? Change how I think? Change what I say? Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself? (Yes, I said that twice!) Change what I do? Change what I believe?? OKAY! I can try! I can start! I can want that! I can start believing that!! I CAN - I CAN - I CAN! Well, I do believe there is a way. I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it? As long as it is "different"!! Geez, whatever it is, I want some! I want that! I do, I do, I do, I do!!
What? There's MORE???? How can there be MORE? Isn't CHANGE enough? No - wait! There is a source? A power? A G-O-D, you say? Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes. I forget that I am not that source - that power. Me, myself and I, I, I! That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes. That it is all up to ME! Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT! And, besides .... that way NEVER works! Not EVER! Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it! Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations". My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself. Do I raise them? Do I lower them? Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!
Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it? Can you see it?? Do you see the insanity? The insanity of it all? I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there! That pain is like no other. It's like a huge bubble gum bubble. And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing. I'm about to run out of breathe! It goes and grows and grows and grows. Then, it BURSTS. W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens! This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me. THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power. Then slowly, the pain dissapates ...... ahhhh, relief! R_E_A_L_I_T_Y. Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say? Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now. But it helps ME to exact some change. Living in my reality means I can think! I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale. I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME! Is that selfish???
Nah ...... it's SMART! And - it's the only thing that works!
