So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
 
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Surprise

Wow moment ...  I must admit it was to me - enjoy the read ..........

The Element of Surprise  |  by Ian Lawton

Aristotle said, “The secret to humor is surprise.” I would go even further than Aristotle. The secret to living fully and freely is surprise. Not knowing is the most exhilarating, sometimes frightening but always liberating, open ended mindset of all. Vera Nazarian describes it like this,

“Would you like to know your future? If your answer is yes, think again. Not knowing is the greatest life motivator. So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence — a surprise.”

Surprise is more important than belief. Belief is a period at the end of an experience, surprise is a question mark, an exclamation mark or maybe a comma, giving you time to pause and ponder the possibilities.

Surprise is the spontaneous friend, always suggesting adventure out of the blue. Belief is the sensible, predictable friend. We need both but unfortunately in our tightly controlled lives, sensible usually trumps spontaneity.

A belief is like a carefully labeled filling system. Something happens, and you immediately file it under “I’ve seen this before, I know what this is, this means...” Something else happens and you reach for the file called, “I told me so.”

I’d like to see more surprise, and less set in stone beliefs. Unless, of course, you create a belief that every moment is a surprise. That’s a belief with potential.

It’s no accident that most spiritual traditions have some form of parable, or surprising stories and various tricksters to jolt us out of a habitual mindset and it all rests on the element of surprise. Surprise is THE most spiritual quality that leads to all sorts of awakening.

See more from Ian Lawton + Surprise + Humor + Mystery + Fulfillment

Ian Lawton is a spiritual teacher of inner wisdom, divine love, deeper consciousness, oneness, peace, and abundance.Learn more about Ian Lawton »

Change Your Outlook -- Can Do!

Change your outlook

a simple link - click on it!

Knot's (Not's) Prayer

I believe this speaks for itself and probably to each of us .... Excellent prayer don't you think?

Faith

FAITH -

Definition of FAITH

1

a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2

a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

3

: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; 

— on faith

: without question <took everything he said on faith>

What does yours look like?  Do you have "faith"?  Do you have that "belief" - without question - that things are going to be okay?  That things in your life are going to get better?  That you are okay and that things are the way they are "supposed" to be right now? And if you are not quite buying into that ... that things are going to work out for the best?  Are you struggling with this thing called "faith"?  

For a lot of people, this faith thing is slippery, elusive, confusing.  I always wanted to believe that I had faith and I still believe I have always held onto some form of faith or some level of faith.  I think where the problem comes in is in applying that faith to our lives, our situations, our circumstances.  It's not always an easy task.  I believe that initially I wanted it to be tangible ... something I had proof of in a tangible way.  I wanted to be able to feel it materially.  I wanted to be able to see it with my own eyes.  I wanted to be able to touch it.  Well, you might say that's silly or you might say - "I know exactly what you mean.  That's what I want.  That's what I need."  Yea, well ... that's not how this faith thing works!

I have learned that if I  am looking at the whole picture, and not just through my mind's eye at a specific piece of the whole picture (i.e., that you can stay sober, a job situation, the lack of money at any given moment in time, someone's words to you, or whatever) - if I am able to stop and ask my Higher Power to show me the truth - then I can actually begin to apply my "faith" to that specific situation and I can see the whole picture.  It's like putting a pinhole in a piece of paper and looking through that pinhole and then removing the paper from in front of my eyes and seeing "the whole picture".  Someone once said that that was the difference between my vision and God's vision.  My vision was very narrow, very limited.  My vision always had questions, doubt or expectations attached (or all three).  Then I would start to affix the "well, ok but...." to it.  As you can guess, it took me a while to really learn what "faith" is and how to apply that to my life.  You will notice that I mentioned belief in the first paragraph.  Isn't that what faith is??  Belief - state of mind - innate feeling?  I think it is.  It is something that you can feel!  It is like a warm sweater on a chilly day.  It is like a cozy blanket that calms you and puts you at ease.  It envelopes you so you feel (there's that word, again) safe.

My faith only functions (or works) when I take the wrapper off of my Higher Power ... liken it to walking around with your Higher Power wrapped up like an air freshener stuck in your shirt pocket -- and your life STINKS!!  You tell yourself that you have your faith - it's right here in your pocket! - but at the same time, you are running amok trying to control, figure out, plan, manipulate, arrange, coerce, fix ...  And you wonder why things are the way they are - why everything still stinks!

I also like to think of faith as a muscle.  If I don't exercise it, it goes limp.  And we all know how hard it i to get back in shape.  I have to use it - my faith muscle - to strengthen it.  The more I exercise it, the stronger and bigger it gets!  Now that's exciting!

Once you start doing that, you can sit back and trust in your Higher Power.  If you don't know how to do that - ask!  Ask your Higher Power to help you not doubt - better yet, just thank Him for the ability to not doubt.   Just so you know, there have been countless hours when I would simply have to repeat to myself or out loud, "trust God, trust God, trust God!  I believe, I do have faith" over and over and over.  That helped me get past those moments - sometimes for days on end - when I was sitting in fear and doubt.  And you know what?  Those times passed and I started to "feel" better, calmer, more at ease.  And it got easier for me to access and practice and exercise my faith - little by little. 

Listen folks, take the wrapper off - wrap that blanket around you - slip the sweater on - exercise that faith muscle!  Don't question, doubt, dictate to or put conditions on your Higher Power ... when we do that, we are just putting a wrapper on our faith.  You have to apply it, use it, exercise it!  ...  Let it envelope you, sink into it, feel it - believe it!  It's real!!  And it WORKS!