On the Edge

Every felt like you were "on the edge" .... of "something"?  But you were really uncertain what that "something" was?  Did you fight it?  Did you go with it?  Did you hesitate and ask questions?  Did you pause and begin to search inward for some clarity?

If you thought you knew what it was that you needed to do but found that you balked ... again and again - what happened next?  Where did you go from there?  To God?  What if you believed you knew what God was saying but you still had trouble following through?

Why do we make things like this so damn hard sometimes?  Is it courage we are lacking?  Is it fear ..... that we "don't" know what's going to happen next?  Or that we won't like it?

Or is it fear that we "do" know what's going to happen next?  (Really?)  Do any of us really know what's going to happen next?  I don't think so - not completely anyway.  I think we want to believe we know, or maybe we are afraid that we might know, or maybe we are afraid that we don't know - and then, we are just afraid - period!

Don't know about you - but I hate that place!  So, why is it that I can find myself there sometimes --- up there, like the image.  Teetering on the edge - frozen with fear - STUCK !

Sometimes we just have to pray for the courage, pray for the ability to DO - to trust God more fully - WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT .... and then, trust God some more and just JUMP!

STUCK? Work a Step!!

 Step Work .... Do I have faith it will work? 

Well, apparently if I am feeling stuck - it is usually in an emotion ... a feeling - most often fear of "something".  Do I need faith in them before I make a start?  NO!  I just need the willingness to work a step to the best of my ability.  If I am not a newcomer, I can usually determine which step applies to what I am experiencing.  BUT, a good rule of thumb is to go back to Step One - Admitting I am Powerless.  Because that is basically our dilemma - no power!  Which, for us, usually translates to "no control!!!"  Yikes!  Who likes THAT feeling?  I usually don't but it is the truth about much.  And that is okay. Control, most times, is an illusion anyway.

Happy ~ Happy ~ Joy ~ Joy

I just know that if I am "twisted, off center, disturbed" mentally, emotionally or spiritually about anything - working a step on that situation, that perception, that feeling or emotion - ALWAYS brings me relief.

Geez!!!  I feel better already!!!  :-)

Hmmm -- What Does Your "Feelings Meter" Read Today?

Feelings are just feelings; there is no morality in the feeling, only in our behavior. 

Things that make you go "Hmmm".  That is what  I happened when I read that line above.  Well, actually... it was the words morality and behavior that kicked my gut and got my brain humming.

How many of you stopped in your tracks when you read that line?  Hmmm.

Things really change for us when we start living sober.  "Say what?  You mean I can't justify my bad behavior any more?"  I must say that those were my thoughts once I started working the steps and taking inventory and I was none too happy about that either.  But it was pointed out to me that working a program of recovery included doing my inventory (not taking someone else's) and learning a new design for living.  Oh yea - that's right! My old way of living didn't work any more.  And learning to live differently meant learning to live by spiritual principles (What the .... ???)

Well, as I worked the steps and worked on developing a conscious contact with my Higher Power, the more I came to understand what that meant - for me at least.

I needed to get rid of the excuses in my life and I needed to stop allowing my feelings to run me and my life.  What I was given the task of doing was examining why my feelings were so powerful and why they held court over me and my actions.  The main reason was because before I got sober, I avoided my feelings by self-medicating or I acted out in irrational and selfish ways (I know --- hard to believe, right?  ME, selfish??)  . . . so I never learned how to address them in a healthy manner.  I never truly addressed any of those "feelings".

Through working my program AND with the objective guidance of my sponsor, I began to realize that they are only feelings - not action items!  They may not even necessarily be the truth --- and what they usually turned out to be was something fear-based (99.99% of the time actually!).

My program teaches me what to do when fear starts creeping into my mind . . . I must turn it over to my Higher Power.  When I think of that concept, I can usually locate a behavior that is more in alignment with my new moral or spiritual compass (yes, I actually have those today).  And when I am willing to do just that, I don't have that messy mess to clean up.  Hooray for that!!

So, tell me - do your feelings hold you captive today?  Do your feelings run your life?  Send me a comment.

Trusting God

I am challenging you to share with me some examples of how you are "trusting God" in your life today.

How has doing this been helpful to you in your life or your recovery?

What has been the most difficult for you in all of this?

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Do You Hear When You Listen?

Are you HEARING me?  I mean, really hearing me?

How well do you listen?

• Do you interrupt while someone is talking to you?  Is this a reaction to a word or snippet of what they are attempting to say versus a response to what has been said?

• Do you listen to your own body?  Like that anxious or hurried feeling we sometimes feel from drinking too much coffee first thing in the morning?

• Are you watching someone talking to you and daydreaming about something else and commenting just to have something to say?

Learning to listen well takes practice.   At least it did for me.  It took me learning to quiet my own mind because the chatter going on in my own head was relentless.  One of the things that really, really helped me learn to become a better listener was meditation.  Meditation helped me quiet my mind .... go figure :-)

I find that when I am in a calm place (internally - which is what results for me when I meditate regularly) that I can listen with intention. I actually "hear" what is being said and I do not automatically react (which for me used to equal "giving advice") - an old behavior of mine.

Today, I can actually respond - or not.  (Was there even a question being asked?)  When I do respond, it is after I have thought about what was actually said.  Then, and only then, can I determine whether a response at all is even necessary.

Sometimes people just need someone to listen - nothing more.

Today, I do not view myself as being "the authority on everything" that I MUST respond (or react) to everything that is being said.

And who says you can't teach an old dawg new tricks???

Discipline

Is this what you think when you hear the word "discipline"?  We all need structure and discipline in recovery.  What exactly does that mean for us?  This means the day-to-day performing of tasks whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes or brushing your teeth and taking a shower or showing up for a job interview on time or attending our meetings or doing our step work.

When we are in our addiction, we move far away from normal, healthy day-to-day behaviors because our main priority is feeding our addiction.  When we come into recovery, most (if not all) of us have to relearn these behaviors.  We seem to forget how to plan and organize our day ahead of time, how to be accountable with the simplest things and even how to clean up after ourselves ...  and we end up "flying by the seat of our pants".  Developing discipline helps move us toward feeling capable and confident again in ourselves as worthy, functioning human beings.

It's funny how we "feel" like we ARE being responsible and accountable.  But we must ask ourselves - what is the TRUTH?  We run on our emotions - which lie to us!  It takes us a little while to let go our old belief system because the book tells us we can no longer determine the "true" from the "false".  The uncommon (for a healthy person) has become common to us.

Example:

Sleeping until 5 minutes before I have to fly out the door to catch a bus. Now this seems completely normal to me at first because this is what I have been doing for awhile now. Today, that behavior screams to me: You are living like you lived in your addiction! And the truth is that today, I am not in my addiction - I am sober and must relearn how to live like I am sober and responsible and accountable and worthy of a wonderful life. So while living in a sober house, I get a reminder and if that reminder doesn't spur me into different action, boundaries are set and I get consequences (which I usually don't see as pleasant - or fair - or what I think I deserve .... sound familiar??). 

I can laugh about that today because my behaviors have changed and I am no longer a victim to that addict thinking.  And at the end of the day - the uncommon becomes common to me (again) - but now it's right-side up instead of up-side down.  Yay!!!

One of the beauties of living in a sober environment is that we have models and guides around us. We have rules put in place for a purpose. We have the opportunity to learn from others and model healthy behaviors of those who have been there longer than us. And we get to practice these new behaviors and we get to have consequences if we don't. Consequences always seem to be such great motivators, don't they??

Tell me - how is your discipline today?  Tell me some of your experiences with this -- send me a comment!

Character

How's your character?  Is it where you want it to be?  What are you doing to work towards integrity?

Quote by Billy Graham:

"Integrity is the glue that holds our way of life together. 

We must constantly strive to keep our integrity intact. 

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost. 

When health is lost, something is lost. 

When character is lost, all is lost."

What say YOU about that??  Please send me your comments on how you apply this to your life in recovery.

Hows the Quality of your Recovery?

                                                                                      

• Do you have a sponsor?  Do you use that relationship, are you staying in touch?
• Are you working your steps?
• Are you practicing your prayer and meditation on a daily basis?  
• Are you reading your big book?
• Are you going to meetings?
• Are you using your tools when you need them?
• Are you doing your nightly review?
• Are you helping others?

These things are important pieces to make our "new way of living" puzzle complete.  Even if I don't do these things perfectly, I must do them to the best of my ability and I MUST remember - I can never pick up that first drink or drug.  It doesn't matter how long I have been sober, I still need to practice these things AND I must never pick up - no matter what!

So, tell me ... what does your recovery look like?

Step Work? Ugh!

"Geez, step work - ugh!"

Is that your response when your sponsor or someone suggests that maybe you need to do some step work on "that issue"?  Well ... you are not alone!  I guarantee you that.  But it is true what they say:  "when your pain becomes great enough - you become willing to do the work!"

How do I know that?  I am human - just like you - and sometimes I forget.  I cannot tell you how important it is to "use your tools" of recovery.  Things can seem to change virtually overnight by getting back on your step work.  There is a reason that we have to work the steps.  There is a tried and proven reason that we have to do them in order.  There is direct evidence that this stuff really works!

Whether you are new in recovery or not, take the plunge!  Start working your steps with a sponsor.  You will definitely start getting some direction and relief.  And, you will find that when you begin to become complacent (and there is a high probability that you will experience that on your journey) .... once you start doing the work again, all sorts of amazing things will begin to happen for you and in your life.  You will be convinced!

Now - pick up your tools and get started!  Let me now through your comments about your personal experiences with this ...  I can't wait to hear from you!

Faith

FAITH -

Definition of FAITH

1

a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty

b (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2

a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

3

: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; 

— on faith

: without question <took everything he said on faith>

What does yours look like?  Do you have "faith"?  Do you have that "belief" - without question - that things are going to be okay?  That things in your life are going to get better?  That you are okay and that things are the way they are "supposed" to be right now? And if you are not quite buying into that ... that things are going to work out for the best?  Are you struggling with this thing called "faith"?  

For a lot of people, this faith thing is slippery, elusive, confusing.  I always wanted to believe that I had faith and I still believe I have always held onto some form of faith or some level of faith.  I think where the problem comes in is in applying that faith to our lives, our situations, our circumstances.  It's not always an easy task.  I believe that initially I wanted it to be tangible ... something I had proof of in a tangible way.  I wanted to be able to feel it materially.  I wanted to be able to see it with my own eyes.  I wanted to be able to touch it.  Well, you might say that's silly or you might say - "I know exactly what you mean.  That's what I want.  That's what I need."  Yea, well ... that's not how this faith thing works!

I have learned that if I  am looking at the whole picture, and not just through my mind's eye at a specific piece of the whole picture (i.e., that you can stay sober, a job situation, the lack of money at any given moment in time, someone's words to you, or whatever) - if I am able to stop and ask my Higher Power to show me the truth - then I can actually begin to apply my "faith" to that specific situation and I can see the whole picture.  It's like putting a pinhole in a piece of paper and looking through that pinhole and then removing the paper from in front of my eyes and seeing "the whole picture".  Someone once said that that was the difference between my vision and God's vision.  My vision was very narrow, very limited.  My vision always had questions, doubt or expectations attached (or all three).  Then I would start to affix the "well, ok but...." to it.  As you can guess, it took me a while to really learn what "faith" is and how to apply that to my life.  You will notice that I mentioned belief in the first paragraph.  Isn't that what faith is??  Belief - state of mind - innate feeling?  I think it is.  It is something that you can feel!  It is like a warm sweater on a chilly day.  It is like a cozy blanket that calms you and puts you at ease.  It envelopes you so you feel (there's that word, again) safe.

My faith only functions (or works) when I take the wrapper off of my Higher Power ... liken it to walking around with your Higher Power wrapped up like an air freshener stuck in your shirt pocket -- and your life STINKS!!  You tell yourself that you have your faith - it's right here in your pocket! - but at the same time, you are running amok trying to control, figure out, plan, manipulate, arrange, coerce, fix ...  And you wonder why things are the way they are - why everything still stinks!

I also like to think of faith as a muscle.  If I don't exercise it, it goes limp.  And we all know how hard it i to get back in shape.  I have to use it - my faith muscle - to strengthen it.  The more I exercise it, the stronger and bigger it gets!  Now that's exciting!

Once you start doing that, you can sit back and trust in your Higher Power.  If you don't know how to do that - ask!  Ask your Higher Power to help you not doubt - better yet, just thank Him for the ability to not doubt.   Just so you know, there have been countless hours when I would simply have to repeat to myself or out loud, "trust God, trust God, trust God!  I believe, I do have faith" over and over and over.  That helped me get past those moments - sometimes for days on end - when I was sitting in fear and doubt.  And you know what?  Those times passed and I started to "feel" better, calmer, more at ease.  And it got easier for me to access and practice and exercise my faith - little by little. 

Listen folks, take the wrapper off - wrap that blanket around you - slip the sweater on - exercise that faith muscle!  Don't question, doubt, dictate to or put conditions on your Higher Power ... when we do that, we are just putting a wrapper on our faith.  You have to apply it, use it, exercise it!  ...  Let it envelope you, sink into it, feel it - believe it!  It's real!!  And it WORKS!

The Serenity Prayer

Good morning all!  It has been almost a week since I posted.  Remember that saying, "be prepared because LIFE happens"?  Well, I am here to say there is nothing truer than that!  Life does happen and it ain't always pretty, but we must trudge forth and stay grounded and connected to our Higher Power (who I choose to call God) and our programs.  I happened across this version of the Serenity Prayer in some of my recovery paperwork and, I must say, it is quite interested indeed.  While I am not advocating that anyone must be of any particular or specific religious persuasion or that you must read the Bible (that is strictly personal choice) - I just thought it was interesting and could prove very helpful to anyone who may not understand the purpose of the prayer.  It certainly gave me food for thought.  Enjoy!  

May each of you have a very blessed, peaceful and serene day.  Never give up hope for a better today, tomorrow and future.  No matter what life throws at you --- you can overcome with the help of a Higher Power of your own understanding, a network of encouraging fellow travelers, the guidance of a sponsor, a 12-step fellowship of your choosing and FAITH that there is a wonderful plan for your life .... even if you cannot see it right now!  Never quit, never loose your connection and never forget you have a spiritual toolkit at your feet .... you just have to pick it up!  Open it, use your tools and TRUST YOUR HIGHER POWER.

Today I am focusing on courage .... what about you??

Choice

Wow ... what a couple of recent days!  You know, when I got sober, no one told me that life was going to be perfect or run smoothly every day.  And you know what?  That is no lie!

Today, my choice is:  to relax and take it easy!  Yes that is one of the slogans that I thought was ridiculous back in the day.  Well, today I know better.  No matter what is happening in my little world, I do have the power to make a choice.  A choice about whether I am going to ride a tidal wave, or get to a calm, shallow cove and float.  Weird how that I can spend a few seconds or minutes riding that tidal wave and almost drown - then suddenly I get an intuitive thought and I take a deep breath and am floating in the security of knowing that there IS a power greater than me out there and He/It is in control of my situation.  Obviously not me ... but I have to make the choice to go with that thought and belief.  That is how is maintain my sanity.

So when life happens and it throws you curve --- remember to pray, remember to call your sponsor or someone you can share your struggles with and always remember there is solution to all that life throws you!

Reading from "A Time for Joy"

I wanted to share a daily reading with you today:

"Once you plant deep the longing for peace, confusion leaves of itself."  Seng Ts'an

  We used to think that we would only feel peaceful when everything about us was better.  And many of us found that that time  never seemed to come.  As soon as one problem was solved, another would pop up to take its place and the old struggles and frustrations stayed alive.  The only way we seemed to be able to escape from all the chaos was to indulge ourselves, to block out our feelings with something else.
  Today we can create peace in our lives by meditating, accepting what is and letting our problems go to a power greater than ourselves.
   Taking the time to meditate keeps us centered and focused.  When we come from a peaceful place inside, we create a peaceful world to live in on the outside.

Today I am developing a world of peace for myself, both inside and out.  Today I know that I am always only one breath away from peace, one prayer away from serenity.

__________________________________

I don't know about you, but I can attest that those words are truthful.  Meditation and prayer are two practices that I was told early on would be very beneficial to me.  Although meditation was a practice I had to work at initially, I learned to embrace it and its power for me.  Over the years, I have certainly had periods of time when I became less diligent with those practices. Then, of course, my world started getting frantic and chaotic, and I pulled my magnifying glass back out.  Suddenly all I could see what what I perceived to be "wrong".  Wrong with me, wrong with you, wrong with all that way going on around me.  Well, what that tells me is that "I am off the beam!"  And when that happens, it seems that more STUFF is swirling around in my head - it's almost impossible for me to stay focused or make a decision - I am distracted - irritable - confused!  And I find myself saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me today."  (Does THAT sound familiar??)  And experience has taught me that unless I want to find myself picking myself up off the ground or sitting in a dark corner, I best get back to basics.  Basics for me includes regular meditation and prayer.

When I get away from these very simple, very basic practices, I feel it and you are definitely gonna' feel it!  (I know this because when I am feeling funky, I make it a point to share that funk with everyone around me.  You do know that misery loves company, right?!?)  And when I spew that stuff out into the world - guess what?  The world responds in kind.  And that sucks!!

Now, I have not found myself in the "funk" in quite a while - but I have also not been consistent lately with my basics.  Soooo, this morning, I got back to those practices with some genuine sincerity and you know what?  I am definitely experiencing the benefits already.  So now I can go out into the world with a grateful attitude, a generous and caring heart and I can be kind.  Kind to me, kind to you and everyone I come into contact with.  I can experience and share peace  ... now doesn't that sound like a better place to live??  Oh, yea, and I am no longer confused or floating in uncertainty.  Aahhhhh.....

I encourage newcomers (or not so newcomers) to find some form of meditation and prayer that works for you.  Be open to experimenting ... and don't become discouraged if your "not feelin' it" right away.  Like most practices or disciplines, it takes practice.  You may be pleasantly surprised with what you find.  

May the force be with you today!!

Should I live in a Sober House ... continued

When I was presented with this proposition, as I mentioned yesterday, I was totally opposed to it.  I thought myself "too evolved" for that (can you believe that? LOL).  Truth be told, I thought I was "in control" of myself and my life - that's what I really thought.  So I tried the independent living for a while and guess what?  I hit a few roadblocks.  I had no structure to speak of and no real accountability.  I did great for a while but then those pesky character defects started rearing their ugly heads and, boy, we went to battle.

Now, you might be thinking .... hmmm, if she was working her program and working her steps thoroughly, those defects may not have been eating her lunch.  And, of course, that may be true for the most part.  BUT, again, I am living large in my own apartment, got a new car, got a new job, got a new guy, got a new this and that and my head is exploding.  And, remember, if I don't want to do my step work or hit a meeting .... well, who is there to tell me that I probably should?  Well, ME of course - and that didn't happen.  So, my selfishness and self-centeredness were my guides.  And I certainly followed them.

Then ... my life started resembling a merry-go-round!  I had to ride that thing a few times and I got to have some real-time consequences as a result.   So, I guess I don't have to tell you how that ended, right?  The defects and old behavior and old way of thinking won!!  And those practices left me tired, bruised and battered (spiritually, mentally, emotionally, financially - you name it).

It's ironic because my sponsor(s) ... yes, by that time I had a couple from sister programs ... they both tried to point out to me what was going on.  I was too arrogant and prideful and such a smarty-pants, that I thought they were crazy - they didn't know me like I knew me and, as expected, I totally dismissed their direction and advice.  Well, let me take that back.  I started taking their direction but got side-tracked now and again ... but I continued to pray for willingness and more willingness and more willingness.  By the grace of God --- I was eventually able to get off that merry-go-round and I was afforded the opportunity to get really really real (HONEST) with myself and God.

What a blessing!  Of course, I don't believe I saw it as a blessing back then, but I started practicing humility getting "right sized" and following direction.  I moved into a sober house, I did the work I was asked to do and practiced staying in gratitude ... and wahla!  I started getting different results - good ones, the right ones, healthy ones.  And you know?   I actually started feeling different - in a good way.

The fact that my housemates were moving in the same direction served as a guide for me, after all, I don't want to be an outsider, now do I?  But seriously, I really needed the humility and structure and being held accountable.  It was very difficult to swallow at first but, before I knew it, my life started changing for the better.

Then I got to move to RHouse and the rest is history!  I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to join this house and to begin managing it.  The actual experience of learning to manage a sober house has been invaluable to me.  I am consistently put in the position of making choices.  Shall I practice a character defect?  Or shall I practice a spiritual principle?   Ummm, let's see ... I think spiritual principle.  Yea, that's what I'll do.  And then I actually do it!

The journey has been phenomenal and, as they say --  the "hits" just keep on comin'!  And I mean solid gold!!

Hope all have a super fantabulous day!!

Back in the day ... Should I live in a Sober House?

Wow!  What a big question for many people to ponder.  Personally, I have to admit I was totally opposed to it.  That fact in itself should have been a red flag for me.  (Oh, if I knew then what I know now.)  But, being who we are - we   believe we know what we need, what we are doing, how to do it, etc.  When I found myself faced with the fact that my options were limited (after a relapse, of course!),  I had to surrender to the fact that it may be the only option I had.  And, of course, I found it quite challenging.  It was a little daunting to have to share space after having my own apartment.  Not only that, but I wasn't sure I would get along with the other house members because I wanted everyone to like me (sound familiar?).  And, I also lacked humility at that point and found myself zeroing in on all the things that were "objectionable" to me.  I really made a hard go of it for myself.  But, I adore my sponsor and found myself calling her often.  She ALWAYS tells me the truth and back then, I ALWAYS hated it.  But I was serious about my sobriety and was determined to do whatever I needed to do to maintain my sanity.  Long story short, I discovered that I really did not have to have an opinion one way or the other about a multitude of things - live and let live - get it?

I have learned that if I neutralize myself long enough to "see" other people as my fellows, I have a much less intolerant attitude and a much more accepting heart.  I grew to love the company of my sisters and really felt useful when someone needed an ear or a shoulder or a ride or something that I was able to share with them.  I learned to close my mouth and open ears and that resulted in my heart and my mind opening up quite a bit.  I am very grateful that I was put in the position of having very few options .... it helps me keep it simple.  Things are always better when I do that!