So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
 
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Had to share this with all ..... please read.

Is the Lion at YOUR Door??

What ....

What are YOU willing to do today for your recovery?

Life Lessons

Ever wonder why certain situations seems to show up in your life over and over - and over AGAIN?
Well .... perhaps there is a lesson that you are supposed to learn from this that you haven't accepted, recognized, allowed yourself to see, or didn't appear clear to you.  It seems to hold true for me, even though it is crystal clear to others around me.  It can be very clear to my sponsor, my best friend, my network in recovery, maybe even my family.   MY eyes simply haven't opened or cleared from the fog of an "emotional bond".  MY mind hasn't opened enough to see in a "logical' way.  MY heart hasn't healed perhaps to the degree it needed to.

I read a meditation this morning about trusting "ourselves".  Do you trust yourself?  Are you berating yourself about repeating a pattern (that looks like making the same "mistake" again?).  Are you questioning your own judgment?  Are you second-guessing every choice or decision you make when it pertains to a certain someone, certain situation, certain behavior?

Well, there is hope!  We can learn to trust ourselves again - we really can.  And, guess what?  It kinda feels awkward.  At least for me it does.  But that's just because we have fallen back into an old unhealthy pattern and now that we are finally able, capable, willing to see the truth, it feel's a little weird - good and not so good.  I will describe it as feeling right, then having a little self-doubt, then immediately realizing that what I did, or did not do, was the right thing - for ME.  We are finally able to make the right choice, take the right action or refrain from taking any action - whatever the case may be - for ourself!  We seem to  suddenly be considering ourself - instead of the other person, place or thing!  Woo-hoo!!  Never give up on yourself.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep an eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.

Self-Care

"When I say NO to you, I'm saying YES to me."  That is a quote from Wisdom in the Rooms and when I first read it, it struck me! It struck me in many ways actually.  I have been having issues with saying yes when I really mean NO.  Or at least I felt like saying "no, I don't want to, that's not my problem or job or responsibility".  You know the drill.

You know what?  It feels really, really good to be completely honest with myself and today I was able to do it, sort of.  Let's just say the message will be heard when I don't show up to that place that I don't want to be.  I am beginning to realize that speaking my truth is about self-care.  It doesn't mean I don't care about another person or their situation or predicament. It just means I care more about "me".

So, today I can take care of MY responsibilities and MY life and MY self.  I can love myself enough to speak my truth and follow through with it!  Very liberating ~ very empowering ~ very honest.  It felt good to value myself and my life more today!

I encourage all of you out there who are trying to "be all" to someone other than yourself to try it .... you'll like it!

Oh, The Games We Play!

This isn't really a game, is it?  Oddly enough, many of us seem to make it so.  And even more odd - some of us seem to enjoy it!

Hmmmm, you know I read a very timely reading this morning entitled: The Basics, from Melody Beattie's 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact (pg 41, Week 9).  That reading hit me square between the eyes.

Here is the excerpt:

  "Isn't everyone codependent?" a woman asked me.  "Maybe," I said.    It is easy to get embroiled in other people's dramas.  Isn't it even easier to see what other people need to do to take care of themselves, rather than tend to our own affairs? That's when we need to remember the basics of taking care of ourselves.''
    These basics include comfortable living arrangements, enough sleep, proper nutrition and hygiene, social contact, fun or pleasure, taking responsibility for our own emotions, earning enough money to pay our bills, taking responsibility for own own goals and dreams, and saying no -- sometimes to other and sometimes to our own impulses.
    My daughter introduced me to a computer game recently. It's a game where you create a city and get to rule the lives of the people in it. In this game, you get to decide where the people sleep, how much they sleep, when they eat, when they go to the bathroom, when they take a shower, whether they clean up after themselves, when they rest, whether they go to work so they can pay their bills and buy food, how much education they get, and how much they socialize.  Kind of like play God.
    "You can make people go crazy", my daughter explained.  "All you have to do is not let them get enough sleep."
    One of the meanings of "jaded" is being exhausted. Not getting enough sleep, not eating properly, not tending to our own emotions or our social needs can easily cause us to become jaded.
    We make ourselves feel crazy by not tending to the basics. It was tempting to torture the people in the game just to see how they reacted.  Sometimes it's tempting to torture ourselves.

   Value: Self-care, practicing the basics.

Some of us seem to get caught in that swirl of drama, emotions, highs and lows.  We get to assume the roles (game pieces or "icons" ... don't you like the sound of that?  I think some of us do - more than we care to admit.).  We get to be someone or something else, maybe it's someone or something we "think" we should be - other than what/who we are.  (Old belief systems!!)

Now as I sit here writing, some things are occurring to me.  That thing I read the other day (and God knows, something I have actually said to others I do/have done program work with) is crystalizing -- revealing itself to me  --- again!  That thing  about behaviors and the repeating of behaviors and how there is something in us that is "fed" by practicing the behavior and the result produced.   Now, who (that's got more than a couple of days strung together) in recovery wants to believe that?  Hmmm, must be ego blocking my vision.

Now, getting back to the game pieces - here is my interpretation (today) of those pieces, the progression of the game and how we get to play those roles:

The Friend/Partner  - this makes me feel good, a part of
The Helpful Friend/Partner  - this makes me feel really good
The Advisor  - this makes me feel important
The Assistant  - this makes me feel needed
The Caretaker  - this makes me feel needed, useful, helpful, important - until it makes me resentful
The Rescuer/Fixer  - this makes me feel all of the above + capable - until it makes me feel obligated
The Martyr  - this makes me feel obligated but necessary
The Victim  - this makes me feel justified (for feeling angry, resentful, hurt, abused, etc.)
The Repeat Offender  - ** most important or significant game piece ** (referring to the reading above, this can also be identified as the "tortured soul" .... ummm sounds dramatic doesn't it?)  Now one would think this last icon/game piece is that person we are playing the game with - but, alas, it is not!  It's probably not even a game piece you see, recognize, admit to even being present or a part of your game.  But I am here to tell you it is - it is there, hidden under all the chaos.  It is US - you and ME.

The Obsession  - no explanation or definition necessary

This game of codependency --  IS it really just PLAYING GOD?   Yeeee-ooouch! And YES, it is!  Has this become our new "fix", our new "drug of choice"?

Guess what?  That is one game that NEVER ends well, NEVER ends in victory for you or me and NEVER has the reward we are seeking.  We can never win when we play this game - NEVER!!  I will repeat:  Has this become our new "fix", our new "drug of choice"?  Can you see what I am talking about?

Step "away" from the game ....  RE-READ the excerpt .... just for today, try to practice self-love, self-care - get back the "the basics".  And then do it again - tomorrow!

Discipline

Is this what you think when you hear the word "discipline"?  We all need structure and discipline in recovery.  What exactly does that mean for us?  This means the day-to-day performing of tasks whether these are recovery behaviors or washing the dishes or brushing your teeth and taking a shower or showing up for a job interview on time or attending our meetings or doing our step work.

When we are in our addiction, we move far away from normal, healthy day-to-day behaviors because our main priority is feeding our addiction.  When we come into recovery, most (if not all) of us have to relearn these behaviors.  We seem to forget how to plan and organize our day ahead of time, how to be accountable with the simplest things and even how to clean up after ourselves ...  and we end up "flying by the seat of our pants".  Developing discipline helps move us toward feeling capable and confident again in ourselves as worthy, functioning human beings.

It's funny how we "feel" like we ARE being responsible and accountable.  But we must ask ourselves - what is the TRUTH?  We run on our emotions - which lie to us!  It takes us a little while to let go our old belief system because the book tells us we can no longer determine the "true" from the "false".  The uncommon (for a healthy person) has become common to us.

Example:

Sleeping until 5 minutes before I have to fly out the door to catch a bus. Now this seems completely normal to me at first because this is what I have been doing for awhile now. Today, that behavior screams to me: You are living like you lived in your addiction! And the truth is that today, I am not in my addiction - I am sober and must relearn how to live like I am sober and responsible and accountable and worthy of a wonderful life. So while living in a sober house, I get a reminder and if that reminder doesn't spur me into different action, boundaries are set and I get consequences (which I usually don't see as pleasant - or fair - or what I think I deserve .... sound familiar??). 

I can laugh about that today because my behaviors have changed and I am no longer a victim to that addict thinking.  And at the end of the day - the uncommon becomes common to me (again) - but now it's right-side up instead of up-side down.  Yay!!!

One of the beauties of living in a sober environment is that we have models and guides around us. We have rules put in place for a purpose. We have the opportunity to learn from others and model healthy behaviors of those who have been there longer than us. And we get to practice these new behaviors and we get to have consequences if we don't. Consequences always seem to be such great motivators, don't they??

Tell me - how is your discipline today?  Tell me some of your experiences with this -- send me a comment!