So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
 
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Oh, The Games We Play!

This isn't really a game, is it?  Oddly enough, many of us seem to make it so.  And even more odd - some of us seem to enjoy it!

Hmmmm, you know I read a very timely reading this morning entitled: The Basics, from Melody Beattie's 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact (pg 41, Week 9).  That reading hit me square between the eyes.

Here is the excerpt:

  "Isn't everyone codependent?" a woman asked me.  "Maybe," I said.    It is easy to get embroiled in other people's dramas.  Isn't it even easier to see what other people need to do to take care of themselves, rather than tend to our own affairs? That's when we need to remember the basics of taking care of ourselves.''
    These basics include comfortable living arrangements, enough sleep, proper nutrition and hygiene, social contact, fun or pleasure, taking responsibility for our own emotions, earning enough money to pay our bills, taking responsibility for own own goals and dreams, and saying no -- sometimes to other and sometimes to our own impulses.
    My daughter introduced me to a computer game recently. It's a game where you create a city and get to rule the lives of the people in it. In this game, you get to decide where the people sleep, how much they sleep, when they eat, when they go to the bathroom, when they take a shower, whether they clean up after themselves, when they rest, whether they go to work so they can pay their bills and buy food, how much education they get, and how much they socialize.  Kind of like play God.
    "You can make people go crazy", my daughter explained.  "All you have to do is not let them get enough sleep."
    One of the meanings of "jaded" is being exhausted. Not getting enough sleep, not eating properly, not tending to our own emotions or our social needs can easily cause us to become jaded.
    We make ourselves feel crazy by not tending to the basics. It was tempting to torture the people in the game just to see how they reacted.  Sometimes it's tempting to torture ourselves.

   Value: Self-care, practicing the basics.

Some of us seem to get caught in that swirl of drama, emotions, highs and lows.  We get to assume the roles (game pieces or "icons" ... don't you like the sound of that?  I think some of us do - more than we care to admit.).  We get to be someone or something else, maybe it's someone or something we "think" we should be - other than what/who we are.  (Old belief systems!!)

Now as I sit here writing, some things are occurring to me.  That thing I read the other day (and God knows, something I have actually said to others I do/have done program work with) is crystalizing -- revealing itself to me  --- again!  That thing  about behaviors and the repeating of behaviors and how there is something in us that is "fed" by practicing the behavior and the result produced.   Now, who (that's got more than a couple of days strung together) in recovery wants to believe that?  Hmmm, must be ego blocking my vision.

Now, getting back to the game pieces - here is my interpretation (today) of those pieces, the progression of the game and how we get to play those roles:

The Friend/Partner  - this makes me feel good, a part of
The Helpful Friend/Partner  - this makes me feel really good
The Advisor  - this makes me feel important
The Assistant  - this makes me feel needed
The Caretaker  - this makes me feel needed, useful, helpful, important - until it makes me resentful
The Rescuer/Fixer  - this makes me feel all of the above + capable - until it makes me feel obligated
The Martyr  - this makes me feel obligated but necessary
The Victim  - this makes me feel justified (for feeling angry, resentful, hurt, abused, etc.)
The Repeat Offender  - ** most important or significant game piece ** (referring to the reading above, this can also be identified as the "tortured soul" .... ummm sounds dramatic doesn't it?)  Now one would think this last icon/game piece is that person we are playing the game with - but, alas, it is not!  It's probably not even a game piece you see, recognize, admit to even being present or a part of your game.  But I am here to tell you it is - it is there, hidden under all the chaos.  It is US - you and ME.

The Obsession  - no explanation or definition necessary

This game of codependency --  IS it really just PLAYING GOD?   Yeeee-ooouch! And YES, it is!  Has this become our new "fix", our new "drug of choice"?

Guess what?  That is one game that NEVER ends well, NEVER ends in victory for you or me and NEVER has the reward we are seeking.  We can never win when we play this game - NEVER!!  I will repeat:  Has this become our new "fix", our new "drug of choice"?  Can you see what I am talking about?

Step "away" from the game ....  RE-READ the excerpt .... just for today, try to practice self-love, self-care - get back the "the basics".  And then do it again - tomorrow!

To Thine Own Self Be True

Do you ever "discount" yourself?

Do you ever treat yourself as though you are not as valuable as others?

Do you ever sell yourself short?

No?  Are you sure about that?

Do you ever put someone else's needs or wants before your own?  Well, I'll bet if you take a good hard look at your situations, you may be surprised.

These are times when we believe it is important to "keep the peace, not rock the boat, help, make a concession, be the bigger person, and on and on".  Sometimes those are instances of discounting yourself - placing less importance or value on our own desires, needs, or wants.  Be careful about that my friend - sometimes those actions (or behaviors) will end up leaving you with a big fat resentment as your reward!

It can be difficult to discern what the right action is - especially when we are new to recovery.  Sometimes a situation or environment is the "new" thing.  Sometimes we may believe that we are solid in our recovery, doing the deal, on the beam, walking the walk --- then BOOM!  Something new, different, unexpected or unusual will emerge suddenly, out of the blue.  Those unexpected twists and turns can be dangerous and sort of rock our world.  It may be our intention is to "be of service" to someone else or some situation ---- if it makes you question yourself, pay attention to that!

Pay attention to how you feel - deep down - not on the surface.  How does it truly resonate with you and within you to perform this action?  Most times, it is not the initial instance that creates an uneasiness.  It is the pattern that may emerge if it is repeated over and over - this is when you may notice it doesn't "feel right for you".

P-A-U-S-E ... honor that uneasiness and take a step back.  Ask yourself, "is this really the right thing to do - for ME?  Am I doing God's will or my will?"

When we get the answer ... "uh, probably not or I am not so sure".  Call your sponsor - go back to the basics of your program.  Talk to someone in the program that you respect.

You may find that the "service" you started out performing has evolved into "DISservice" to you and the situation and probably others beyond that.  Suddenly, you have put yourself on the clearance rack!  You have marked down the value, the price, the importance of being true to thine own self.

Don't be a disservice to yourself!  Doing that becomes a disservice not only to you - but to others and especially the very thing, person, situation you were trying to serve in the first place!!  By this point, you have most likely crossed that line from service to controlling or enabling or both.  YIKES -- time to RUN - back to that safe place for you - to God's will for you!!

Remember, YOU ARE VALUABLE!!!  If I am treating myself only 40% well --- then I am only capable of giving 40% service to anyone or anything -- and that is a stretch!  Do yourself a favor - honor yourself first!

And besides, you can't give away what you don't have!  So give yourself a gift!  To Thine Own Self - Be True!!!