So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
 
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Had to share this with all ..... please read.

Is the Lion at YOUR Door??

Surprise

Wow moment ...  I must admit it was to me - enjoy the read ..........

The Element of Surprise  |  by Ian Lawton

Aristotle said, “The secret to humor is surprise.” I would go even further than Aristotle. The secret to living fully and freely is surprise. Not knowing is the most exhilarating, sometimes frightening but always liberating, open ended mindset of all. Vera Nazarian describes it like this,

“Would you like to know your future? If your answer is yes, think again. Not knowing is the greatest life motivator. So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence — a surprise.”

Surprise is more important than belief. Belief is a period at the end of an experience, surprise is a question mark, an exclamation mark or maybe a comma, giving you time to pause and ponder the possibilities.

Surprise is the spontaneous friend, always suggesting adventure out of the blue. Belief is the sensible, predictable friend. We need both but unfortunately in our tightly controlled lives, sensible usually trumps spontaneity.

A belief is like a carefully labeled filling system. Something happens, and you immediately file it under “I’ve seen this before, I know what this is, this means...” Something else happens and you reach for the file called, “I told me so.”

I’d like to see more surprise, and less set in stone beliefs. Unless, of course, you create a belief that every moment is a surprise. That’s a belief with potential.

It’s no accident that most spiritual traditions have some form of parable, or surprising stories and various tricksters to jolt us out of a habitual mindset and it all rests on the element of surprise. Surprise is THE most spiritual quality that leads to all sorts of awakening.

See more from Ian Lawton + Surprise + Humor + Mystery + Fulfillment

Ian Lawton is a spiritual teacher of inner wisdom, divine love, deeper consciousness, oneness, peace, and abundance.Learn more about Ian Lawton »

What to Do When You Fail

What To Do When You Fail  |  by Tommy Rosen Teacher: I am looking for an exceptional student. Prospective Student: What are the requirements you’re looking for? Teacher: Failures! The student needs to have had many failures. Prospective Student: You’ve found the right person. Everyone will have an opportunity to fail at some point in life. Some of the most important lessons will come from the analysis of those failures and the application of the lessons one has learned from them. Remember, when you fail, don’t fail to learn the lesson!

Reading from "A Time for Joy"

I wanted to share a daily reading with you today:

"Once you plant deep the longing for peace, confusion leaves of itself."  Seng Ts'an

  We used to think that we would only feel peaceful when everything about us was better.  And many of us found that that time  never seemed to come.  As soon as one problem was solved, another would pop up to take its place and the old struggles and frustrations stayed alive.  The only way we seemed to be able to escape from all the chaos was to indulge ourselves, to block out our feelings with something else.
  Today we can create peace in our lives by meditating, accepting what is and letting our problems go to a power greater than ourselves.
   Taking the time to meditate keeps us centered and focused.  When we come from a peaceful place inside, we create a peaceful world to live in on the outside.

Today I am developing a world of peace for myself, both inside and out.  Today I know that I am always only one breath away from peace, one prayer away from serenity.

__________________________________

I don't know about you, but I can attest that those words are truthful.  Meditation and prayer are two practices that I was told early on would be very beneficial to me.  Although meditation was a practice I had to work at initially, I learned to embrace it and its power for me.  Over the years, I have certainly had periods of time when I became less diligent with those practices. Then, of course, my world started getting frantic and chaotic, and I pulled my magnifying glass back out.  Suddenly all I could see what what I perceived to be "wrong".  Wrong with me, wrong with you, wrong with all that way going on around me.  Well, what that tells me is that "I am off the beam!"  And when that happens, it seems that more STUFF is swirling around in my head - it's almost impossible for me to stay focused or make a decision - I am distracted - irritable - confused!  And I find myself saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me today."  (Does THAT sound familiar??)  And experience has taught me that unless I want to find myself picking myself up off the ground or sitting in a dark corner, I best get back to basics.  Basics for me includes regular meditation and prayer.

When I get away from these very simple, very basic practices, I feel it and you are definitely gonna' feel it!  (I know this because when I am feeling funky, I make it a point to share that funk with everyone around me.  You do know that misery loves company, right?!?)  And when I spew that stuff out into the world - guess what?  The world responds in kind.  And that sucks!!

Now, I have not found myself in the "funk" in quite a while - but I have also not been consistent lately with my basics.  Soooo, this morning, I got back to those practices with some genuine sincerity and you know what?  I am definitely experiencing the benefits already.  So now I can go out into the world with a grateful attitude, a generous and caring heart and I can be kind.  Kind to me, kind to you and everyone I come into contact with.  I can experience and share peace  ... now doesn't that sound like a better place to live??  Oh, yea, and I am no longer confused or floating in uncertainty.  Aahhhhh.....

I encourage newcomers (or not so newcomers) to find some form of meditation and prayer that works for you.  Be open to experimenting ... and don't become discouraged if your "not feelin' it" right away.  Like most practices or disciplines, it takes practice.  You may be pleasantly surprised with what you find.  

May the force be with you today!!

Back in the day ... Should I live in a Sober House?

Wow!  What a big question for many people to ponder.  Personally, I have to admit I was totally opposed to it.  That fact in itself should have been a red flag for me.  (Oh, if I knew then what I know now.)  But, being who we are - we   believe we know what we need, what we are doing, how to do it, etc.  When I found myself faced with the fact that my options were limited (after a relapse, of course!),  I had to surrender to the fact that it may be the only option I had.  And, of course, I found it quite challenging.  It was a little daunting to have to share space after having my own apartment.  Not only that, but I wasn't sure I would get along with the other house members because I wanted everyone to like me (sound familiar?).  And, I also lacked humility at that point and found myself zeroing in on all the things that were "objectionable" to me.  I really made a hard go of it for myself.  But, I adore my sponsor and found myself calling her often.  She ALWAYS tells me the truth and back then, I ALWAYS hated it.  But I was serious about my sobriety and was determined to do whatever I needed to do to maintain my sanity.  Long story short, I discovered that I really did not have to have an opinion one way or the other about a multitude of things - live and let live - get it?

I have learned that if I neutralize myself long enough to "see" other people as my fellows, I have a much less intolerant attitude and a much more accepting heart.  I grew to love the company of my sisters and really felt useful when someone needed an ear or a shoulder or a ride or something that I was able to share with them.  I learned to close my mouth and open ears and that resulted in my heart and my mind opening up quite a bit.  I am very grateful that I was put in the position of having very few options .... it helps me keep it simple.  Things are always better when I do that!