Saturday, June 10, 2017

So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year to All!

So here we are at beginning of a brand new year.  I was moved to blog this morning because so much has transpired in the last many months.  So many people have moved through my life lately and while it saddens me to see them go, I am filled with joy and gratitude because I know most of them are moving forward in their own lives and that is the true name of this game!  

I do what I do so that I can experience that and witness that and hopefully play a some small part in that transformation for many.  I will miss them all but I get to see them blossom and grow.  THAT is a true blessing and a gift.

My life is richer because I get to share in this experience and I also am in a place to learn from each of them.  That is exciting!  Sometimes the lessons are not so comfortable but I embrace them all because I know that growth is not always comfortable.  You see, I am also here to learn and experience new things and to grow in my personal life.

So to all of the women who have passed through this house, I have posted my wish for you!  Be well, be true, be accountable, be honest, be compassionate to yourself to others!  💞   💖  💟  💖  💞

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Life Lessons

Ever wonder why certain situations seems to show up in your life over and over - and over AGAIN?
Well .... perhaps there is a lesson that you are supposed to learn from this that you haven't accepted, recognized, allowed yourself to see, or didn't appear clear to you.  It seems to hold true for me, even though it is crystal clear to others around me.  It can be very clear to my sponsor, my best friend, my network in recovery, maybe even my family.   MY eyes simply haven't opened or cleared from the fog of an "emotional bond".  MY mind hasn't opened enough to see in a "logical' way.  MY heart hasn't healed perhaps to the degree it needed to.

I read a meditation this morning about trusting "ourselves".  Do you trust yourself?  Are you berating yourself about repeating a pattern (that looks like making the same "mistake" again?).  Are you questioning your own judgment?  Are you second-guessing every choice or decision you make when it pertains to a certain someone, certain situation, certain behavior?

Well, there is hope!  We can learn to trust ourselves again - we really can.  And, guess what?  It kinda feels awkward.  At least for me it does.  But that's just because we have fallen back into an old unhealthy pattern and now that we are finally able, capable, willing to see the truth, it feel's a little weird - good and not so good.  I will describe it as feeling right, then having a little self-doubt, then immediately realizing that what I did, or did not do, was the right thing - for ME.  We are finally able to make the right choice, take the right action or refrain from taking any action - whatever the case may be - for ourself!  We seem to  suddenly be considering ourself - instead of the other person, place or thing!  Woo-hoo!!  Never give up on yourself.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep an eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Om Harmonics

Wanted to shared a great meditation track with all:

Om Harmonics 2

Wishing all a blessed, productive, positive, love-filled day ~ be safe, be kind, be loving, be forgiving, be helpful, be happy, be grateful.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Monday, August 5, 2013

Gratitude for Those In Our Lives

Who in your life has been a spark illuminating the darkness?

What person, group or collective has been there for you,
to rekindle the Light and spark a renewed passion for Life?

Consider reaching out to them today, offering your
Heartfelt appreciation and thanks.

Perhaps send a hand-written note, call them up, email ...
or simply send a fiery wave of Thanks through the ethers.

Play the Light forward, and know this is how Love grows.
Together we are better ... Beloveds Gratefully tending the
HeartFires of Humanity, opening Gateways for Love to flow!

Thank you, Beloveds, for being a Light in my Life.  Thank
you for being an inspiration, for providing examples worthy
of emulation, and for your countless blessings, prayers,
support and company along this journey of Life, as Love.

Thank you, Beloveds, for being my Heart.

Thank you for being YOU!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

LOVE..... What a Complex Concept!

Do I feel love?
Do I want love?
Can I give love?
Can I experience love?

Of course!  I think.  I have to admit that there are times when I do, I can, I want to, I wonder.  Sometimes it is all I can do to practice self-love.  Boy, that one is THE hardest thing to do at times.  Sometimes, it is my perception of love  that blinds me, gets in my way, blocks me, makes me craaaaa-zeeee!!

Sometimes I just have to act as if .... as if I know, as if I can, as if I do, as if I will.  That helps me get through the moment, the hour, the day, the evening.  And then I get to get up and do it all over again!

I am grateful that I get to do that.  I am grateful that I have the capacity to believe.  The capacity to WANT to believe.  I know my Higher Power wants wonderful things for me .... but I have to "let it begin with me" (isn't that an Al-Anon slogan??)

I also get to practice these actions, these thoughts, these concepts, these behaviors .... yes, practice and repeat and practice and repeat.  These things I am seeking - to see, to feel, to believe, to experience - they WILL come to pass .... in time.  Not necessarily when I WANT them .... but perhaps when I am "ready" for them.

Practice some self-love today!!  Practice and repeat - practice and repeat - practice and repeat....

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Helping Yourself - by Helping Others

What does that mean to you?  Does this mean only the obvious?  Or does this mean trying to be of service - INSTEAD of judging others, criticizing or complaining?  If you are judging others, you probably need some help as well!  By opening your mind, your heart and your attitude - you can actually be of assistance not only to someone else but to yourself as well!

Your judgment is often what you really feel about yourself.  Perhaps someone else is exhibiting behavior that you are really "feeling" but won't allow yourself to exhibit because you are trying to be strong.  Are you afraid for the world to see you as vulnerable, lonely, sad, confused, fearful, angry?  Or are you just too stubborn and/or lazy to work your program?  Or do you believe that YOU can figure things out or fix them - all by yourself!?!  That you "don't need outside help - that YOU are enough"? Well, guess what?  You can't - you're not - and people see right through that anyway - in your angry judgement of others, criticizing and complaining.  Yes!  I said angry - because that is usually how it shows up.  Have you ever heard of "self-righteous"??  Look it up.  We act as though we are annoyed, angry, fed-up that others are not behaving like we think we do or they should - perhaps we are projecting our refusal to be able to control what's really going on with us.

I've said it hundred of times .... WORK your program - work your steps on this - use your tools .  These tools are freely and lovingly given to us!!!  Let go of the obstinance - it will take you down!

My own experience tells me to stop focusing on my own crap - sitting in it, rolling around in it, wallowing in it (can you say self-pity?) - extend a kind thought, word or action to someone who is obviously feeling the same way.  You will be amazed at how much it will help YOU!

Friday, April 12, 2013


"When I say NO to you, I'm saying YES to me."  That is a quote from Wisdom in the Rooms and when I first read it, it struck me! It struck me in many ways actually.  I have been having issues with saying yes when I really mean NO.  Or at least I felt like saying "no, I don't want to, that's not my problem or job or responsibility".  You know the drill.

You know what?  It feels really, really good to be completely honest with myself and today I was able to do it, sort of.  Let's just say the message will be heard when I don't show up to that place that I don't want to be.  I am beginning to realize that speaking my truth is about self-care.  It doesn't mean I don't care about another person or their situation or predicament. It just means I care more about "me".

So, today I can take care of MY responsibilities and MY life and MY self.  I can love myself enough to speak my truth and follow through with it!  Very liberating ~ very empowering ~ very honest.  It felt good to value myself and my life more today!

I encourage all of you out there who are trying to "be all" to someone other than yourself to try it .... you'll like it!

Sunday, April 7, 2013


Wow moment ...  I must admit it was to me - enjoy the read ..........
The Element of Surprise  |  by Ian Lawton
Aristotle said, “The secret to humor is surprise.” I would go even further than Aristotle. The secret to living fully and freely is surprise. Not knowing is the most exhilarating, sometimes frightening but always liberating, open ended mindset of all. Vera Nazarian describes it like this,
“Would you like to know your future? If your answer is yes, think again. Not knowing is the greatest life motivator. So enjoy, endure, survive each moment as it comes to you in its proper sequence — a surprise.”
Surprise is more important than belief. Belief is a period at the end of an experience, surprise is a question mark, an exclamation mark or maybe a comma, giving you time to pause and ponder the possibilities.
Surprise is the spontaneous friend, always suggesting adventure out of the blue. Belief is the sensible, predictable friend. We need both but unfortunately in our tightly controlled lives, sensible usually trumps spontaneity.
A belief is like a carefully labeled filling system. Something happens, and you immediately file it under “I’ve seen this before, I know what this is, this means...” Something else happens and you reach for the file called, “I told me so.”
I’d like to see more surprise, and less set in stone beliefs. Unless, of course, you create a belief that every moment is a surprise. That’s a belief with potential.
It’s no accident that most spiritual traditions have some form of parable, or surprising stories and various tricksters to jolt us out of a habitual mindset and it all rests on the element of surprise. Surprise is THE most spiritual quality that leads to all sorts of awakening.

See more from Ian Lawton + Surprise + Humor + Mystery + Fulfillment
Ian Lawton is a spiritual teacher of inner wisdom, divine love, deeper consciousness, oneness, peace, and abundance.Learn more about Ian Lawton »

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy ~ Happy ~ Joy ~ Joy

Today is a day to be grateful, loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, helpful, peaceful, positive!
No matter what, remember that you are blessed, you are loved, you are important. You can make a difference in someone else's life just by sharing your energy, a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture.
There is much pain and sorrow that life can bring, but we needn't create more for ourself or others by
having a negative outlook or attitude.  Remember - attitude is everything!

How willing are you today to have an attitude of gratitude?  What will you do today to share love, joy, happiness and encouragement?

I choose to be happy, joyous and free today.  What about you?