So, then, the question is WHY?  Why do I do this?  Why does it keep happening? I must believe - somewhere deep down in my being - that I DO deserve it.  Or that I don't deserve better.  Or that it doesn't really matter.  Or that it is only temporary, so it's okay.  Or .... whatever that "reason" may be.  Oh, maybe it's because I learned to do this when I was younger.  When I watched my mother and father in their dysfunctional relationship.  Or when I witnessed my older sisters in their dysfunctional relationships.  Or when I experienced that same dysfunction at 21 in my first serious relationship.  Or when there were tragic results in the relationships around me.  Or when I experienced my disease barreling out of control.  Or when I would pick myself up and put my own life back together and being determined to change my life - on my own power and determination, rebuilt my life.  Or when it crashed down around me - again!  Doesn't it mean I must deserve it?  That it's all my fault?  That I don't deserve anything different, anything better??  Well ... doesn't it?!!?!?! 

This is what is meant to happen .... yes?  This is my destiny .... yes?   This is what will always happen - yes??  NO!  It doesn't have to - it doesn't have to be the same - it doesn't have to happen - over and over and over again!  IT DOES NOT HAVE TO!
 Hmmmm ....... Ohhhh, okay then.  How does it change?  How does it turn out differently?  How do I change? How do I stop the pain?  The disappointment?  The remorse?  The guilt?  The desire to be anybody -- but me?  What?  What is that you say?  Do something different?  Yeah, yeah ... that sound good.  In fact, that sounds GREAT.  But how?  How do I do something different from what I know, from what I learned, from what I say day in and day out? From what I practiced for so so many years?  How the hell do I do that?!! 

C-H-A-N-G-E ???  Change how I think?  Change what I say?  Change how I view myself, value myself, think about myself, view myself, value myself, think about myself?  (Yes, I said that twice!)  Change what I do?  Change what I believe??  OKAY!  I can try!  I can start!  I can want that!  I can start believing that!!  I CAN - I CAN - I CAN!  Well, I do believe there is a way.  I do believe that I deserve better, different .... some joy, some peace, some happiness, some stability, some "normalcy" - ha! - whatever that is. It doesn't really matter what "it" is, does it?  As long as it is "different"!!  Geez, whatever it is, I want some!  I want that!  I do, I do, I do, I do!!
 
What?  There's MORE????  How can there be MORE?  Isn't CHANGE enough?  No - wait!  There is a source?  A power?  A G-O-D, you say?  Yea, I know that .... I just forget sometimes.  I forget that I am not that source - that power.  Me, myself and I, I, I!  That's how I behave sometimes, how I think sometimes, how I even believe sometimes.  That it is all up to ME!  Well, it is not .... it is not, it is not and it IS NOT!  And, besides .... that way NEVER works!  Not EVER!  Things might change for the better for a day, an hour, a week .... but that's it!  Oh, and there is this thing called "expectations".  My expectations of someone else, something else, even myself.  Do I raise them?  Do I lower them?  Or do I just let them GO? Ahhhhh ~ that sounds better. Just let them go - G-O!  

Okay - okay - okay ... do you see it?  Can you see it??  Do you see the insanity?  The insanity of it all?  I do - I can actually FEEL IT! Now, that's some pain right there!  That pain is like no other.  It's like a huge bubble gum bubble.  And I huff and I puff and I get sucked inside of it and and I keep blowing and blowing and blowing.  I'm about to run out of breathe!  It goes and grows and grows and grows.  Then, it BURSTS.  W-O-W ... And all of a sudden, something happens!  This thing - this relief and love and comfort and reassurance and peace rains down on me.  THEN, I remember ~ there IS a source, a God, a power.  Then slowly, the pain dissapates ......  ahhhh, relief!  R_E_A_L_I_T_Y.  Let's try that for a while, what do ya' say?  Reality doesn't mean that everything changes right here, right now.  But it helps ME to exact some change.  Living in my reality means I can think!  I can pray, I can meditate, I can breath ... I can exhale.  I can slow down, get off the hamster wheel, take care of myself, my soul, my spirit, my mind, my body - ME!  Is that selfish???  

Nah ...... it's SMART!  And - it's the only thing that works! So, let's start over :-)  Good thing that God's grace is new everyday!  Sobriety - it's MORE than not picking up.  If you don't believe me, start at the beginning of this post and repeat! 

Happy New Year to All!

So here we are at beginning of a brand new year.  I was moved to blog this morning because so much has transpired in the last many months.  So many people have moved through my life lately and while it saddens me to see them go, I am filled with joy and gratitude because I know most of them are moving forward in their own lives and that is the true name of this game!  

I do what I do so that I can experience that and witness that and hopefully play a some small part in that transformation for many.  I will miss them all but I get to see them blossom and grow.  THAT is a true blessing and a gift.

My life is richer because I get to share in this experience and I also am in a place to learn from each of them.  That is exciting!  Sometimes the lessons are not so comfortable but I embrace them all because I know that growth is not always comfortable.  You see, I am also here to learn and experience new things and to grow in my personal life.

So to all of the women who have passed through this house, I have posted my wish for you!  Be well, be true, be accountable, be honest, be compassionate to yourself to others!  💞   💖  💟  💖  💞

Life Lessons

Ever wonder why certain situations seems to show up in your life over and over - and over AGAIN?
Well .... perhaps there is a lesson that you are supposed to learn from this that you haven't accepted, recognized, allowed yourself to see, or didn't appear clear to you.  It seems to hold true for me, even though it is crystal clear to others around me.  It can be very clear to my sponsor, my best friend, my network in recovery, maybe even my family.   MY eyes simply haven't opened or cleared from the fog of an "emotional bond".  MY mind hasn't opened enough to see in a "logical' way.  MY heart hasn't healed perhaps to the degree it needed to.

I read a meditation this morning about trusting "ourselves".  Do you trust yourself?  Are you berating yourself about repeating a pattern (that looks like making the same "mistake" again?).  Are you questioning your own judgment?  Are you second-guessing every choice or decision you make when it pertains to a certain someone, certain situation, certain behavior?

Well, there is hope!  We can learn to trust ourselves again - we really can.  And, guess what?  It kinda feels awkward.  At least for me it does.  But that's just because we have fallen back into an old unhealthy pattern and now that we are finally able, capable, willing to see the truth, it feel's a little weird - good and not so good.  I will describe it as feeling right, then having a little self-doubt, then immediately realizing that what I did, or did not do, was the right thing - for ME.  We are finally able to make the right choice, take the right action or refrain from taking any action - whatever the case may be - for ourself!  We seem to  suddenly be considering ourself - instead of the other person, place or thing!  Woo-hoo!!  Never give up on yourself.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep an eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.

Happy ~ Happy ~ Joy ~ Joy

Today is a day to be grateful, loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, helpful, peaceful, positive!
No matter what, remember that you are blessed, you are loved, you are important. You can make a difference in someone else's life just by sharing your energy, a smile, a kind word, a thoughtful gesture.
There is much pain and sorrow that life can bring, but we needn't create more for ourself or others by
having a negative outlook or attitude.  Remember - attitude is everything!

How willing are you today to have an attitude of gratitude?  What will you do today to share love, joy, happiness and encouragement?

I choose to be happy, joyous and free today.  What about you?

What to Do When You Fail

What To Do When You Fail  |  by Tommy Rosen Teacher: I am looking for an exceptional student. Prospective Student: What are the requirements you’re looking for? Teacher: Failures! The student needs to have had many failures. Prospective Student: You’ve found the right person. Everyone will have an opportunity to fail at some point in life. Some of the most important lessons will come from the analysis of those failures and the application of the lessons one has learned from them. Remember, when you fail, don’t fail to learn the lesson!

How's Your Thinking?

Sometimes we don't realize how powerful our old ways of thinking can be.  These patterns are often below the surface, unintentional and subconscious.  And often, especially when we are newly sober or in a new environment or situation, they drive our actions .... this can often create more challenges for us.  Sometimes we really don't realize just how "negative' our thinking is.  I know my own personal experience lead to someone who really cared about me and my success in life and recovery taking the time to mention what they were observing in my behavior.  Did I want to hear it at that time?  Oh, hell NO!  But I did listen and it made me start to "think".

You could say it "stung" to hear that I was being negative .... and once I got past being mad, indignant and feeling sorry for myself, I was able to look at that comment more objectively.  And, guess what?  I WAS carrying a negative outlook around and I would whip it out the minute something was contrary to me staying in my "comfort zone".  Well, as mentioned, I also started noticing how often it made potentially bad situations worse.

I am happy to say that through all of this, it created a willingness in me to work on becoming aware of this behavior and to take some steps to move away from that.

Here is a link to a helpful article about the topic:

Power of Positive Thinking

STUCK? Work a Step!!

 Step Work .... Do I have faith it will work? 

Well, apparently if I am feeling stuck - it is usually in an emotion ... a feeling - most often fear of "something".  Do I need faith in them before I make a start?  NO!  I just need the willingness to work a step to the best of my ability.  If I am not a newcomer, I can usually determine which step applies to what I am experiencing.  BUT, a good rule of thumb is to go back to Step One - Admitting I am Powerless.  Because that is basically our dilemma - no power!  Which, for us, usually translates to "no control!!!"  Yikes!  Who likes THAT feeling?  I usually don't but it is the truth about much.  And that is okay. Control, most times, is an illusion anyway.

Happy ~ Happy ~ Joy ~ Joy

I just know that if I am "twisted, off center, disturbed" mentally, emotionally or spiritually about anything - working a step on that situation, that perception, that feeling or emotion - ALWAYS brings me relief.

Geez!!!  I feel better already!!!  :-)