Life Lessons

Ever wonder why certain situations seems to show up in your life over and over - and over AGAIN?
Well .... perhaps there is a lesson that you are supposed to learn from this that you haven't accepted, recognized, allowed yourself to see, or didn't appear clear to you.  It seems to hold true for me, even though it is crystal clear to others around me.  It can be very clear to my sponsor, my best friend, my network in recovery, maybe even my family.   MY eyes simply haven't opened or cleared from the fog of an "emotional bond".  MY mind hasn't opened enough to see in a "logical' way.  MY heart hasn't healed perhaps to the degree it needed to.

I read a meditation this morning about trusting "ourselves".  Do you trust yourself?  Are you berating yourself about repeating a pattern (that looks like making the same "mistake" again?).  Are you questioning your own judgment?  Are you second-guessing every choice or decision you make when it pertains to a certain someone, certain situation, certain behavior?

Well, there is hope!  We can learn to trust ourselves again - we really can.  And, guess what?  It kinda feels awkward.  At least for me it does.  But that's just because we have fallen back into an old unhealthy pattern and now that we are finally able, capable, willing to see the truth, it feel's a little weird - good and not so good.  I will describe it as feeling right, then having a little self-doubt, then immediately realizing that what I did, or did not do, was the right thing - for ME.  We are finally able to make the right choice, take the right action or refrain from taking any action - whatever the case may be - for ourself!  We seem to  suddenly be considering ourself - instead of the other person, place or thing!  Woo-hoo!!  Never give up on yourself.

Today, I will let go of my fears about trusting myself because I have made mistakes in the past.  I understand that these fears only serve to impair my judgment today.  I will give my past, even my mistakes, validity by accepting and being grateful for it all.  I will strive to see what I've gained from my mistakes.  I will try to look at all my good decisions too.  I will keep an eye for improvement, for overall progress, in my life.

Reading from "A Time for Joy"

I wanted to share a daily reading with you today:

"Once you plant deep the longing for peace, confusion leaves of itself."  Seng Ts'an

  We used to think that we would only feel peaceful when everything about us was better.  And many of us found that that time  never seemed to come.  As soon as one problem was solved, another would pop up to take its place and the old struggles and frustrations stayed alive.  The only way we seemed to be able to escape from all the chaos was to indulge ourselves, to block out our feelings with something else.
  Today we can create peace in our lives by meditating, accepting what is and letting our problems go to a power greater than ourselves.
   Taking the time to meditate keeps us centered and focused.  When we come from a peaceful place inside, we create a peaceful world to live in on the outside.

Today I am developing a world of peace for myself, both inside and out.  Today I know that I am always only one breath away from peace, one prayer away from serenity.

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I don't know about you, but I can attest that those words are truthful.  Meditation and prayer are two practices that I was told early on would be very beneficial to me.  Although meditation was a practice I had to work at initially, I learned to embrace it and its power for me.  Over the years, I have certainly had periods of time when I became less diligent with those practices. Then, of course, my world started getting frantic and chaotic, and I pulled my magnifying glass back out.  Suddenly all I could see what what I perceived to be "wrong".  Wrong with me, wrong with you, wrong with all that way going on around me.  Well, what that tells me is that "I am off the beam!"  And when that happens, it seems that more STUFF is swirling around in my head - it's almost impossible for me to stay focused or make a decision - I am distracted - irritable - confused!  And I find myself saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me today."  (Does THAT sound familiar??)  And experience has taught me that unless I want to find myself picking myself up off the ground or sitting in a dark corner, I best get back to basics.  Basics for me includes regular meditation and prayer.

When I get away from these very simple, very basic practices, I feel it and you are definitely gonna' feel it!  (I know this because when I am feeling funky, I make it a point to share that funk with everyone around me.  You do know that misery loves company, right?!?)  And when I spew that stuff out into the world - guess what?  The world responds in kind.  And that sucks!!

Now, I have not found myself in the "funk" in quite a while - but I have also not been consistent lately with my basics.  Soooo, this morning, I got back to those practices with some genuine sincerity and you know what?  I am definitely experiencing the benefits already.  So now I can go out into the world with a grateful attitude, a generous and caring heart and I can be kind.  Kind to me, kind to you and everyone I come into contact with.  I can experience and share peace  ... now doesn't that sound like a better place to live??  Oh, yea, and I am no longer confused or floating in uncertainty.  Aahhhhh.....

I encourage newcomers (or not so newcomers) to find some form of meditation and prayer that works for you.  Be open to experimenting ... and don't become discouraged if your "not feelin' it" right away.  Like most practices or disciplines, it takes practice.  You may be pleasantly surprised with what you find.  

May the force be with you today!!

Back in the day ... Should I live in a Sober House?

Wow!  What a big question for many people to ponder.  Personally, I have to admit I was totally opposed to it.  That fact in itself should have been a red flag for me.  (Oh, if I knew then what I know now.)  But, being who we are - we   believe we know what we need, what we are doing, how to do it, etc.  When I found myself faced with the fact that my options were limited (after a relapse, of course!),  I had to surrender to the fact that it may be the only option I had.  And, of course, I found it quite challenging.  It was a little daunting to have to share space after having my own apartment.  Not only that, but I wasn't sure I would get along with the other house members because I wanted everyone to like me (sound familiar?).  And, I also lacked humility at that point and found myself zeroing in on all the things that were "objectionable" to me.  I really made a hard go of it for myself.  But, I adore my sponsor and found myself calling her often.  She ALWAYS tells me the truth and back then, I ALWAYS hated it.  But I was serious about my sobriety and was determined to do whatever I needed to do to maintain my sanity.  Long story short, I discovered that I really did not have to have an opinion one way or the other about a multitude of things - live and let live - get it?

I have learned that if I neutralize myself long enough to "see" other people as my fellows, I have a much less intolerant attitude and a much more accepting heart.  I grew to love the company of my sisters and really felt useful when someone needed an ear or a shoulder or a ride or something that I was able to share with them.  I learned to close my mouth and open ears and that resulted in my heart and my mind opening up quite a bit.  I am very grateful that I was put in the position of having very few options .... it helps me keep it simple.  Things are always better when I do that!